When I was in my early twenties (yes just a few short years ago!) I remember talking to a friend about romantic relationships and she was a wise bird who told me the maxim ‘Romance, Disillusionment, Joy’ – the three stages of idealism, reality, and commitment. In some ways, I thought it was a rather blunt statement of process, but looking back I can see how these three words reflect so much truth in other areas of my life too.

How often do you get an idealised notion in your head – a great business idea, a novel event, a completely innovative design for a fuel-free heating system, a brilliant property deal – that you believe will change your life and that of others around you? Perhaps you meet a new business partner who has exactly the right qualities you are looking for, with just the right level of expertise and knowledge. You just KNOW this is the partnership made in heaven! Perhaps on a personal level you meet the love of your life and you can’t quite believe that you’ve met this person who is everything you have ever wished and hoped for. Ah, yes, dreams can come true! ROMANCE.

Then a few differences start to show – perhaps you love seeing films at the cinema whilst your romantic love prefers long walks in the countryside. Maybe your fantastic new business partner is always late to meetings and you as a very punctual person find that highly irritating. Maybe you come across a website  selling the exact same thing you had created in your mind’s eye only a few days ago for a fuel-free heating system but there’s no way you’ll be an internet millionaire on the prices people are willing to pay for the invention if this page is anything to go by.  And the property you sourced that seemed such an attractive deal reveals exactly why it was such a low price. Slowly or suddenly you begin to realise that what you thought of as that ideal, wonderful situation takes a nosedive and you realise that that idea/ person/ business/property is not going to make you a multimillionaire, is not going to deliver world peace, and is not the ultimate solution to all the problems you could ever face in your life. DISILLUSIONMENT

Although your business partner needs to work on their time issues, you can see they add a great deal to the nitty gritty of the business, and already with their input you are feeling more confident about the future. The property deal is not too bad after all as the refurbishment costs were lower than expected and the finished result is looking really good. Together, you decide to take turns on deciding which activity you and your new boyfriend/girlfriend will do each weekend – each person making compromises in the name of love. Even your new invention is starting to take shape and might help solve some heating problems in larger properties (although you realise know this is more a life’s work project than a weekend shed creation).  JOY

I’m sure you can relate to this process! We have all experienced the undulating emotions of excitement, realisation and patience filled with hope. Getting to the JOY requires tenacity, clarity and patience, and in some cases I have failed to find the joy as I have quitted whilst the disillusionment was very fresh. It is not always possible to find the joy or get to the bit where the joy appears. The trudge of disillusionment and the searing disappointment may be enough to make you want to walk away and decide that this is not the right direction for you. In those parts of your life where you do decide to press on, where there is enough positive energy and hope to keep going, I can assure you that just over that hill with the slope that looks quite steep to climb, there is a wonderful vista which you will love. Joy. Fulfilling, pleasurable and contented. The crossover between giving and getting.

Recently I experienced this three stage process dramatically.

We had booked the holiday of a lifetime to South Africa. I had been to this beautiful country many years ago but desperately wanted to take my husband and two youngest children (now 18 and 8) there too.  We were starting off in Cape Town and then would be taking some time to travel along the Garden Route to see wildlife, game reserves and possibly even whales! I had planned the trip in detail, spending hours on booking.com and travel sites to give us enough time to relax and unwind, yet also make the most of this amazing opportunity.  Robben Island and Table Mountain were just two of the places we would explore whilst in the Cape and my recently ordered DK Travel Book to SA had given me plenty more ideas for what to do whilst there. The date of the flight arrived, and all our suitcases were packed and lined up in the hall. We were excited and slightly nervous – after all the flight was a long way and had we packed everything we needed?

We arrived at the check-in desk early (amazing for us) and got to the head of the queue quickly. After checking our passports, the woman asked if we had Tom’s birth certificate? As he was only 8 years old a new regulation was introduced that a child needed not only a passport but also a birth certificate to enter South Africa due to child trafficking. WHAT!!! NO!! I didn’t have his birth certificate. I knew nothing about this – the ticketing agent hadn‘t warned us and I hadn’t seen this on any of the websites I had visited. ARGH!!

Quickly I phoned my parents who fortunately live very near to us. They rushed over to the house and I told them exactly where to find Tom’s birth certificate. They located it immediately, and drove as fast as was legally possible to Manchester Airport.  It was like a scene from Mission Impossible as I ran across the Departures  car park to meet them. The car screeched to a halt as my mum hastily opened her car window to pass across a folded up piece of paper which I grabbed and proceeded to sprinted back with to the check-in desk. Panting and sweating, I raced to the front of the queue which had significantly built up by now, to deliver the vital piece of evidence to the check-in clerk.  As she unfolded the paper, I will never forget the look on her face. “I’m so terribly sorry,” she said “ but we need the FULL unabridged birth certificate. The one that states that you and Andrew are Tom’s birth parents. This is the abridged version, and you cannot fly unless you have the full birth certificate”.

My face grew ashen and I wanted to be sick. The time was too tight now to go back home (or ask my parents to do a second birth certificate gathering mission). We hurried to the desk of Turkish airlines to ask whether we could go on the next flight.

“Sorry it’s fully booked” said the officious administrator behind the desk.

“Ok, so what about the one after that on Tuesday?”

“Ah yes” she said whilst staring at the screen, “there are spaces but there’s an administration fee and you’ll have to pay the difference between your ticket and the one you’ll be exchanging to”.

“How much is that?” I asked.

“Let me see …  £1247 per person”.

“WHAT?!!!” I shrieked in horror! “You must be joking!”. “Sorry ma’am but this is the holiday season and you want to go in two days. That is the exchange ticket price if you want to go in two days time”.

My shoulders slumped, the boys let out audible gasps, Andy went slightly red in the face as he tried to hold back a tear. That was it. We weren’t going to South Africa after all. Our holiday plans scuppered by a piece of paper that proves that Tom is our son. We were simply not prepared to pay over £4000 for new flights, and therefore the only option was to go back home and think about what to do now.

How we must have looked as we arrived back home a few hours later I have no idea. We pulled up on the drive and a couple of neighbours were standing talking. They looked at us with puzzlement. I didn’t want to explain. I felt sad, disappointed, hopeless, dejected. As Andy reminded me “No-one died here”. Yes, in reality, that was true. But an idea, a vision of a great time together, a wonderful holiday had died. And in my mind I had failed everyone. It was me that had booked, planned and paid for the trip, so it was me who had failed to execute the reality. I felt guilty, depressed and angry. I had no-one to be angry with though. It was no-one’s fault. It was one of life’s deeply unfortunate occurrences. The question in my head though was “WHY?”

Within 12 hours, the troops were getting restless. The next morning Luke posed to me the question about what we were going to do now. He had taken a fortnight off work, and wanted to know whether he should just go back in and take a holiday later in the year.  I felt lost as if I was meandering through a forest of trees marked ‘DECISIONS’ and I couldn’t make any. I was in shock, sadness and failure mode.

On Sunday afternoon we started looking at holidays in the sun – Cyprus, South of France, Italy. I knew I didn’t want to go back in an airport for a LONG time to come. Then as we spoke another idea emerged – we had booked a full fortnight off and no-one was expecting us back so why not do what we had often talked about, and have a European adventure? Book a ferry and see where the journey leads! No need to book too far in advance, let’s just see where the road and the desires take us! We had already packed our bags (and with the addition of a couple of jumpers to take account of the slightly cooler European weather) we literally threw our suitcases back in the car and took off!

As we drove towards the coast, a sense of freedom started to grow in me. I felt a renewed surge of happiness (yes you could call it Joy) as we laughed and spoke about our adventures. We mulled over the previous day’s events, still feeling deep disappointment, but now a new hope was emerging. The boys mentioned Disneyland – wow that could be fun, and Paris too. Together as a family in the car, I knew we would have a great holiday wherever we landed up.

And we did! We ended up being away for ten days, visiting France, Belgium and The Netherlands. We ate simply, mostly self-catering, and we took advantage of any free transport and shuttles we could to and from Disney and the hotel. As part of our break we had two glorious days in Paris and took other excursions immersing ourselves in French culture. We drove across the border into Holland on a beautiful warm sunny day, and just loved the flat, clean landscape. Another culture, another country, another great holiday experience.

We came home refreshed, happy and fulfilled.  It had been an excellent alternative holiday and one we would never have had, had all gone well previously at the airport. I still feel hesitant to travel by air. Going by ferry was so flexible and fast and the check-in so much easier with less security checks and pressure. Europe has so much to offer, and is a lot of fun, easy to get to and in parts less expensive than others. We saw countries we never would have visited, and had no agenda. So we were all equals when it came to making decisions about what to do or where to go. I was no longer Judith Chalmers (remember her!) but just another part of the family discovering and playing with new ideas just like the boys. It was fun! It was fulfilling, and we all felt free. Just what a real holiday should be.

So, it’s true we never made it to the ultimate destination I had dreamed of. Maybe one day we will. When Tom is 18 perhaps and no longer needs to prove his parentage! However, I hope this story shows that with enough persistence, grit and faith, your disillusionment can turn into joy and be as good (and maybe in some ways even better) than your initial romance ever even thought possible.